Since the latest Planet of the Apes trilogy is technically a prequel to the original Planet of the Apes film, released all the way back in 1968 and starring the legendary Charlton Heston (ask your parents), we’re sure that it’s not a spoiler to say that the war between the humans and apes doesn’t quite work out in our favour. The title itself gives the game away, after all.
When war commences on the 14th of July, it will only be a matter of time until we will be living under rule from our new ape overlords where life will have changed dramatically for us human. Here is how life will be different for us living in a planet of apes. Hail, Caesar!
We'll become the filthy animals
The first point of call for our ape overlords when they seize power will be to assert their authority by overthrowing our society. Everything about our way of modern life as we know it will be obliterated: our governments, emergency services, broadcasting, and even our film industry will be placed in the hands of those damn dirty apes.
We will lose control of civilisation completely but at least on the bright side there’s a chance we’ll get to see ape remakes of our favourite movies. Consequently, this will mean that there will be a role-reversal between the apes and humans. In a drama-filled ironic twist, it will be us humans who will be kept in cages in zoos to be studied for ape-science.
And if you thought that wasn’t bad enough, we will also be sold as pets or used as slaves to help construct our ape overlords’ new way of life. In other words, we humans will become prisoners on this planet and be treated worse than animals – makes you think about how we treat animals, right?
We'll be hunted for sport
Speaking of being treated like animals, those of us lucky enough (if you could call it that) not to be enslaved or captured will live out in the wilderness and become involuntary participants in regular human hunts. Life can only get more exciting for us as we run in terror from massive and intimidating apes on horseback with plenty of rope and human-sized nets who want nothing more than to see as many of us as humanly possible behind bars or in chains.
A good suggestion would be to start your cardio training as soon as possible – they don’t call evolution survival of the fittest for nothing. It looks like we won’t be safe anywhere on this planet so we’d recommend having a back-up plan where we live an intricate system of tunnels underground to get around undetected. Nobody said that the ape-ocalypse would be easy.
Say goodbye to technology
Despite being released nearly fifty years before the advent of the internet or smart technology, Planet of the Apes was set 700 years in the future in the year 2673. And if there's one thing sci-fi movies of that period embrace, it's elaborate futuristic technology (think 2001: A Space Odyssey and Alien).
In Planet of the Apes, however, there is a notable lack of any technology save for the spaceship Charlton Heston lands in. It seems our ape overlords are technophobic and will see us plunged back into the dark ages where nets, horses, and spears will be back at the cutting edge of technology and loincloths and rags at the height of fashion. You might as well finish whatever series you’re watching on Netflix now because it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to finish it after the 14th of July.
And say goodbye to our history
It won’t just be social media, e-mails, and amusing cat videos we’ll be saying goodbye to; we’ll be saying goodbye to our history and everything else that defined humanity. As the apes take over, they will build their own civilisation, their own culture, and celebrate their own creative arts.
Everything that represented and symbolised the human reign will slowly and gradually become forgotten as the ape civilisation grows and a new history is written. The last fragments of our civilisation will remain as ruins buried in the sand as a forgotten reminder of what once was. But, hey, it might not be so bad – we will have all the bananas that we could ever want.
Life under our new ape overlords might sound bad at first but we have been guaranteed that things will only get better for us if we promise to obey and co-operate with our ape masters.
Still, everything we’ve mentioned here has all been based on the build-up to the original Planet of the Apes and, since the new prequels could be playing out on a whole new timeline, we have no idea how the war between humans and apes will play out.
Either way you won’t want to miss War for the Planet of the Apes when it hits Cineworld this summer on 14th July.
Andy Murray is a writer who blogs for Cineworld as part of our news team.